So You'll Aim Towards the Sky

I am a remarkably uncharitable person sometimes. I like to think I'm basically a good person who would never have a mean thought in his head towards anybody most of the time (work doesn't count), but sometimes something will come up that highlights what I piece of crap I can be. Today it was a field trip for my biology lab.

I was sitting at my desk during the break in between classes, and this girl in my class comes up and asks me for a ride. I had known about the field trip for awhile, and was kind of looking forward to driving out there by myself, doing my own thing for a bit, then leaving. More to the point, though, this girl was "weird," though basically a nice person. Instead of saying "Sure, no problem," I started sputtering and backpedaling. I think she kind of figured out that I didn't really want to take her because she got this hurt look on her face and said "If it's a problem, don't worry about it." That kind of shamed me into saying yes.

So I'm walking out to my car, being mad at her for inconveniencing me and for making me feel bad, like she did something that was so horrible. As I was thinking about it, I remembered when I didn't have a car and had to bum rides from people, some of whom didn't want to take me anywhere. When I thought about it, I just felt really sick and ashamed of myself. She needed a ride because she didn't have a car. We were going to the same place. What was the big deal?

We humans are such creatures of habit and routine. Everything must be just so for us, and if it's not, watch out! We laugh at fish sometimes when we tap the glass and they race around crazily, but are we really any different? We disrupt their world, and it causes them confusion and stress. Someone disrupts our plans, however minutely, and we get up-in-arms about it.

There are times when I just wish I could get past myself. There is coming a time when everything will be changed and I will become a new person, perfect in nearly every way, and all the petty problems I have will reveal themselves to be just that: petty. Insignificant.

One of the songs that I have been listening to lately is by a young band called Blue Shade Witness. It's called "The Stars Will Shine," and it's off their debut EP. Anyway, the chorus of the song goes "In time, I know that we'll be free/We'll kiss the sun with golden wings/And the stars will shine on me." And that's what it's about for me: the final push to the sum (to borrow another line from Grandaddy); the day when none of this will matter, and I will finally feel complete. To me, there couldn't be a more noble goal.

Listen to The Shins and Broken Social Scene and Manitoba or I will kill you.

The Sudden Shocking Violence Playlist:
Blue Shade Witness- Blue Shade Witness EP
The Shins- Oh, Inverted World
The Lassie Foundation- Pacifico
Broken Social Scene- You Forgot It In People
Manitoba- Up In Flames